Why do I never want to be sober?
– it feels like i have a deep sadness and i dont wanna take medication coz it might “ruin my creative genius” (dipshit thing to say)
– because growing up I was very poor (socially and economically, we’ve changed both that now! But it wasn’t easy) One parent was fucked and an addict (gambling & alcohol were her particular poison, mines dro and drink and shopping & food & gym). we didnt have much money and a big fam so it angered me: lack of space, fighting my bros (were now much smoother and talk it out and help each other). And so i would only have 2 pounds a day to go to school with, this made me feel inferior and began my life-longish journey with inferiority, peer pressure, and substance abuse, -cmoplex. And yeah so when other kids could get food and i well, couldn’t i began to feel awkward in shops, like maybe i wasnt worth much (NEVER EQUATE UR SELF WORTH TO MONEY – learn from my mistakes n DONT BE NOTHING LIKE ME) we never travelled, we had neighbours dealing drugs, we were overcrowded, used to have floods in the ceiling, and no electric, and i was peer pressured into smoking and well smoking other things like dro and so then i couldn’t afford those habits (so maybe now that’s partly fueling addiction and addictive) because im so happy i can smoke just coz i can afford it. Then, also I was ambitious and had a dream of uni so my parents did do a lot right. They always told me to eat my greens and do my homework so on the one hand it was a very traditional childhood, and then on the other it was genius and crazy dark street shit and the amoral side of society (disgust, cheating, lying, stealing, guys being too aggressive to get girls etc, taking advantage of drunkens, gambling). Why do humans gravitate toward this? Well, anyway my Dad I admired everything about him so to some extent I was absorbing everything about hi without even knowing it. Then i grew up and learnt how to apply it and be resourceful, dilligent, good at spoken english but still shit at grammar due to my state school teaching. Felt guilty for being smart coz it made me different from my best friends, learnt u had to bring the top up and the bottom up and cant make the strong weak to make the weak strong,, but stubbornly didnt listen, staid stubborn drank, got injured, drank, smoked weed all day everyday, fell out with the right people, God blessed me, drank again, and again, and I took pleasure in being naughty in school but thankfully God helped the next generation learn that school = a job and structure in life. Tomorrow’s essay and library book par a2. Got paranoid still smoked. My Dad used to be rascist, sexist and mysogynistic, but WE the children learnt and actually taught him as much as he taught us. got into St Andrews university removed sexism, mysogny, homophobia, gossip, and any hate or rascism apart from maybe a degree of caution to white people for they seemed selfish and in my life experience the most perpetuators of meritless capitalim (working to make money for competitions sake) pitiless capitalism was better than piss poor for them. Learnt about hard work. Hated it. Learnt about bursaries God blessed me with one. Learnt I was poorer and “more hood” than the other kids, used to get embarressed about my postcode where i lived so get the cab 15 minutes away and walk. Now the estates beautiful and im proud to be from there. We learnt to get money and to share it.
Now, my 21 year old self, has learnt, in fact, engrained that I shall give to charity until I die. But i’ve been nearly homeless twice in my life now once through bickering and bad friction social relations with my mum in teen years as i came to terms with the altruistic world. THEN. when i was in so much debt from over-giving to charity (setting myself on fire to keep others warm) and from buying too many designer clothes coz i wasnt happy with my mental health and my inferiority complex and the girl of my dreams was far away, it took her longer to figure it out.
We take it slow now, chill friends first.
She made a sarcy comment back and that’s how i knew….
My brain was going all the time as i developed passions , and obsessions in with money, God, love, teaching, clothes, business, gambling, drugs, music and self-development (Colouring book and impereal dreams on netflix/abstract about MJ shoes).
I was a lopsided person. Now my family nurture me, change me, shape me, done with judging me they push me., I NEVER KNEW IT THEN BUT I WAS FORMING THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sober, its midweek what are they doing. The internet is a beautiful place.
Now we share and love and our whole life is different we never use to eat out now we regularly get dominoes,
we never use to get good scores now my dad mashes p, i get good uni grades, and feel overworked underpaid (aA GOOD FEELING MEANS UR DOING THE RIGHT THING. HAVE INCREDddIBLE WEEKS. ) time flies when u do what u love. SMOKE WALK. AND THEN BREAK. IMP COLOUR> what adds colour to ur life. REALITY. She WAS A BETTER PERSON THAN I WAS.
how? Communication and relationships. AND ALWAYS MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION. THIS IS CALLED PRESSURE SON. WAKING UP AND DYING WAKING UP AND FEELING LIKE UR GONNA DIE SO U GOTTA FIGHT AND SO U , ive never had a bad experience sober, LINE UP REALTIY – we have a beautiful home and our role models to our peers.
- – saving
- – time management
- – positive addictions
- – dont take gym for advantage never used to be able to afford that.
Rule number 1 – never lose money: the designer clothes aint gone keep u warmeer than non designer the girls are hoes and aint gonna be with u nor get u to sleep at night. Correct ur wrongs dont right em literally
NEVER HAD NO POT TO PISS IN BUT I HAVE DIGNITY
THATS WHY I FIND IT HARD TO RECONCILE WHER EIM AT NOW IM NOT USED TO POSH SURROUNDINGS>
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